Silver Linings Playbook: The Abridged Script
by somedayangeline
Summary: E is for Excelsior.


SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK: AN ABRIDGED SCRIPT

FADE IN:

INT. A MENTAL HOSPITAL  
BRADLEY COOPER is monologuing in front of a window which is SYMBOLIC.

BRADLEY COOPER  
"I'm not having the best year, FILM-WISE. First, HIT AND RUN bombed. Next THE WORDS flopped. But SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK is totally gonna be a hit. At least get one OSCAR-nomination. It's got all the right ingredients: protagonist grappling with mental illness, plus a sympathetic shrink and a wacky ethnic clan. Gotta think positive!"

JACKI WEAVER  
"Time to come home for some wacky ethnic high jinks! You've been here long enough, since you apparently have MOVIE health insurance."

CHRIS TUCKER  
"Can I come too and be the comic relief?"

JACKI WEAVER  
"What's your shtick?"

CHRIS TUCKER  
"I'm the funny token black guy. Trust me, I'll fit in perfectly with your wacky Italian-American clan."

JACKI WEAVER  
"Try again in a few scenes."

INT. THE HOME of HEARTWARMING ETHNIC QUIRK

ROBERT DE NIRO  
"Hi, son. Your mom didn't tell me that she was bringing you home."

BRADLEY COOPER  
"You're my DAD and JACKI'S my MOM? I guess that means I'm adopted."

ROBERT DE NIRO  
"Whatever. Come sit down and watch some football!"

BRADLEY COOPER  
"I don't have time! I have to read the entire syllabus my wife, BREA BEE, is teaching, plus get in shape! Preferably wearing a garbage bag, so indie fans will have GARDEN STATE flashbacks."

INT. BRADLEY'S SHRINK'S OFFICE

BRADLEY COOPER  
(having Rain Man style freakout)  
"What's that music - AHHH!"

ANUPAM KHER  
"Forgive me, but I wanted to see if that song was still a trigger for you."

BRADLEY COOPER  
"You mean, you screwed with my head on purpose? Nice therapeutic technique."

ANUPAM KHER  
"How does that make you feel?"

BRADLEY COOOPER  
"You just played the song I heard when my wife was screwing another guy. Yeah, it makes me feel all warm and cozy inside. I want JUDD HIRSCH for my shrink instead. Or maybe ROBIN WILLIAMS."

ANUPAM KHER  
"Whatever. Are you taking your meds?"

BRADLEY COOPER  
"I don't like taking meds because they make me feel bloated. So I stopped, and now I feel GREAT!"

ANUPAM KHER  
"You should definitely reconsider this decision. Your wife did get a RESTRAINING ORDER because you beat the crap out of that other guy. "

The medication issue comes up a few more times. Then it doesn't.

INT. JOHN ORTIZ'S and JULIA STILES' HOUSE

JULIA STILES  
"See my perfect home. It's a METAPHOR for how repressed I am. In fact, I am secretly driving my husband insane."

JENNIFER LAWRENCE  
"Fuck this shit."

JULIA STILES  
"Please don't offend my ears at this elegant dinner table."

JENNIFER LAWRENCE  
"Fuck, fuck, banana fanna fo fuck."

BRADLEY COOPER  
"Wow, you're kinda fascinating. Do you have any other words in your vocabulary?"

JENNIFER LAWRENCE  
"Fee fi fo fuck! Fuck!"

BRADLEY COOPER  
"Guess not. Are you on any meds?"

JENNIFER LAWRENCE  
"Fucking yeah!

BRADLEY COOPER  
"I'm on meds, too. Boy, do we have a lot in common. Want to get together and talk about our meds together?"

JENNFIER LAWRENCE  
"I have a better idea. This suburban perfection is stifling and sterile. Why don't we go have sex?"

BRADLEY COOPER  
"Extramarital sex - gross! Not with you, you big slut."

JENNIFER LAWRENCE  
"How dare you say that I'm a slut!"

BRADLEY COOPER  
"Look you're wearing the caked-on EYELINER and black NAIL POLISH of LOOSE MORALS, plus you use the F-word constantly, which in movie terms spells S-L-U.T."

JENNIFER LAWRENCE  
"I hate you, you judgmental prick, and I don't want to be your friend anymore!"

EXT. THE NEIGHBORHOOD

JENNIFER LAWRENCE  
"Hey, long time, no see!"

BRADLEY COOPER  
"Are you stalking me?"

JENNIFER LAWRENCE  
"No, I just happen to be going for a run at the exact same time in the exact same place as you."

BRADLEY COOPER  
"I thought you hated me."

JENNIFER LAWRENCE  
"Now I've changed my mind. Want to go on a date?"

BRADLEY COOPER  
"Not in a million zillion trillion years…Okay."

INT. A DINER

BRADLEY COOPER  
"So this restraining order thing is killing me! I gotta talk to my wife!"

JENNIFER LAWRENCE  
"Know what? If you want to write her a letter, I could get it to her."

BRADLEY COOPER  
"A letter? What decade does this film take place in? Why don't I just make her a mix tape, too. Hold up a boom box outside her window - oh, wait, yeah, RESTRAINING ORDER. I'm in."

JENNIFER LAWRENCE  
"Fine. Since I lost my job, I have tons of free time."

BRADLEY COOPER  
"Say, how'd you lose your job anyway?"

JENNIFER LAWRENCE  
"After my husband died in an accident, I slept with everyone in the office, male and female both."

BRADLEY COOPER  
"Wow, and I thought I was crazy!"

JENNIFER LAWRENCE  
"You judgmental prick! Go to hell!"

BRADLEY COOPER  
"Wait, didn't we already do this?'

JENNIFER LAWRENCE  
"Hey, I like me! My customers like me! Because I'm the real deal, slut or not. What you see is what you get!"

Storms out.

BRADLEY COOPER  
"Wait, I'm sorry!"

JENNIFER LAWRENCE  
"I've decided that if you want me to give BREA BEE the letter, you have to partner me in the upcoming DANCE COMPETITION!"

BRADLEY COOPER  
"WTF?"

JENNIFER LAWRENCE  
"Show up at my studio/house of slutitude, if you agree."

INT. JENNIFER'S PRACTICE ROOM

BRADLEY COOPER  
"This movie has Multiple Personality Disorder. It's morphed from ORDINARY PEOPLE/ GOOD WILL HUNTING to GARDEN STATE to DIRTY DANCING. Me confused."

JENNIFER LAWRENCE  
"Just shut up and practice."

CHRIS TUCKER  
(popping in)  
"Hey, you guys have no rhythm! You need my help."

JENNIFER LAWRENCE  
"Fuck yeah!"

BRADLEY COOPER  
"Now the movie's just morphed into SAVE THE LAST DANCE."

INT. THE LIVINGROOM OF ETHNIC QUIRK

ROBERT DE NIRO  
"BRADLEY, I need you to attend an EAGLES game so they'll win, and I'll be able to open a restaurant in a mega complex BET I made with my BOOKIE FRIEND. Or something."

BRADLEY COOPER  
"I can't - I have the big DANCE COMPETITION that day."

ROBERT DE NIRO  
"I told you that JENNIFER LAWRENCE is bad news. I need you!"

JENNIFER LAWRENCE  
"Screw this! Every time I've been with BRADLEY, one of your teams has WON."

ROBERT DE NIRO  
"You're right! Oh my god. Maybe you should go to the dance after all!"

Everyone starts shouting at once, which makes the movie basically a TWO HOUR VERSION of PARENTHOOD.

BRADLEY COOPER  
"This shit is crazy. I'm out of here! Forget everything - being around you guys is not good for my mental health."

(Storms out.)

JENNIFER LAWRENCE  
(real line)  
"You are not a stand-up guy!"

ROBERT DE NIRO  
"We gotta get him to that competition. I know - we'll tell him BREA BEE is going to be there!"

JACKI WEAVER  
"Apparently, I'm the only person in this movie with scruples, and I'm not comfortable with this - no way."

ROBERT DE NIRO  
"Well, I don't give a cannoli."

JACKI WEAVER  
"Even if we're risking our son's mental health?"

ROBERT DE NIRO  
"Nah, he'll survive."

INT. THE BIG FAT DANCE COMPETITION

JENNIFER LAWRENCE  
"My god, BREA BEE came after all. I need a drink."

BRADLEY COOPER  
"Hey, you can't drink - we have to ace this if I want to get back with my wife."

JENNIFER LAWRENCE  
"Can, too."

BRADLEY COOPER  
(drags her away from bar)  
"No, seriously, we got a dance competition to do!"

The LIGHT DIMS and they perform their NUMBER in elegant precision.

Suddenly, RICK JAMES' "Superfreak" starts blasting, and JENNIFER and BRADLEY both begin to disrobe and make wacky faces!

No, actually, they just CUT LOOSE and boogie for a for a little while, before resuming the BORING STUFF.

JUDGE  
"You guys suck - I'm giving you a 5."

BRADLEY's POSSE cheers because that's enough for ROBERT to win the mega-complex BET.

BREA BEE  
"You were wonderful out there!"

BRADLEY COOPER  
"Aw, gee shucks!"

BREA BEE  
"When I'm wrong, I say I'm wrong."

Distraught at being spurned, JENNIFER stumbles away and finds a chalice of poison, and when BRADLEY finally catches up to her, he doesn't realize that she's not dead yet, and stabs himself to death with his sword for a dramatic double suicide!

No, really, BRADLEY realizes that he loves JENNIFER all along, and they live happily, if uber-quirkily ever after!

END


End file.
